New Energy Source?

I was so hopeful that someone had found an efficient way to turn flour into energy.  But no, it's just Home Depot being illiterate.  Darn.

Inability to Spell.....Not Just Americans

Refreshingly...or sadly?...the inability to spell isn't just an American thing.  A few menu boards in New Zealand had some errors, including:

Avacado salad
Ceasar salad
Vegeterian falafal

Note to restaurants: if you can't spell the food item name properly, why should I trust that you'll make it properly?  As is my custom at home, if the menu is illiterate, I'm not going to dine at that establishment.  The only exception is if something is labeled as "krab", because then I know you're telling me it isn't real crab meat, but that fake whitefish stuff (which I actually like, anyway).  And if I order krab and get the real thing, well, I win, don't I?  :-)

A Dream Come True

I recently asked one of my managers if she had any advice on what I could do to improve communication with someone who is being a bit difficult, since polite-grams and smiley faces weren't getting me anywhere.  Her answer: be blunt.  lol!   It's a dream come true!

Why Insurance Companies Suck

We had a little fire incident - that thing called the Monument Fire, which some people may recall.  Filed a claim, and after some f**king around by the "restoration" company, managed to get the damages documented, and we were paid, damages fixed, etc.

So of course the next shoe to drop was...what will happen to our premium?

Answer: MORE THAN DOUBLED.  And heck, to my mind, we weren't even talking about a major claim - the house didn't burn down, after all, just some stuff outside like water tanks, a fence, 192 oak trees, etc.  (And no, we didn't try to get 192 mature oak trees replaced.)

I started scouting around for alternatives and got quotes from several reputable companies (and better yet, not from any I was advised to avoid, like Farmers), better rates, and they all said the fact that we filed a claim really only accounted for about a $50 difference in the quote.  So I called our current company and got a different story, namely that filing the claim completely explained the huge increase.

What's sad is, I'd probably have just shrugged and said ok, fire, premium went up, all the companies are charging more now (or denying coverage), just take it.   It's still a relatively decent deal in the cosmic scheme of things.   But it rankled anyway.  My company, whom I suppose I shouldn't rat on specifically so I'll just use initials - AAA! - just seems to be taking advantage of the situation.  So phooey on them.  They were good to us when they needed to be, but this little maneuver loses our business.  So there.

I Love Caller ID

Caller ID is a great thing when you are trying very hard not to use your Outside Voice.  Instead of having a telephone conversation that you're fairly certain will degenerate into unpleasantness, you can see who is calling, choose not to answer the phone, and thus avoid sticking your foot in your mouth.  It also has the side benefit of completely annoying the person who is calling you, who probably deserves it anyway.

That said I know a couple of people who intentionally block Caller ID on their outbound calls.  This doesn't help you - I know who you are, and I still may not answer.

Anonymous Software

Today a "customer liaison" told some of us on a project that while they wanted to use our software, we couldn't have our group name/logo on it anywhere, or the software application name either.  That's kind of like a Hollywood producer telling someone, we want you in our film, but we're going to hide your face and not put your name in the credits.  And by the way, we may not pay you either.  Like that would happen!  ... oh wait...it did...remember Flashdance?

The Death of Personal Correspondence

I had a close friend and mentor - my 9th grade Spanish teacher actually, great guy - who among other things taught me how nice it was to send and receive personal correspondence.  This all pre-dates email.  Despite living in the same town(!) we would write letters back and forth to each other.   Ok, they were slightly impersonal in that they were typed and not handwritten, but they were newsy, informative, and fun.  I kept all of his (which probably would have horrified him, actually), and every now and then when I miss my friend (he passed away in 1989), I take a few out and re-read them.  I really looked forward to getting those letters.

Fast forward 35 years.  Almost *nobody* writes letters - although I do have a circle of friends here who write lovely handwritten thank you notes after we've had them over to our house for dinner, drinks, or a party.  "Bread and butter notes" they used to be called.  It's worth noting that most of the note writers are my age or a few years older.

I do get thank you notes from my sister's daughters at Christmas - always have, from the time they could wield a writing implement - but I suspect only because she beat it into them (figuratively speaking) at an early age that it was the right thing to do.  And also the occasional graduation gift thank you finds its way into my mailbox, again due to threat-wielding parents.

Everyone else?  Forget it.  Email and text messages suffice for most communication - and I'm ok with that aspect, it is convenient and expedient.  (I do have a couple of faithful email correspondents, but again...they're all about my age.)  But for some, one doesn't even need to communicate directly - it's enough for them to see what you have posted on Facebook.  No actual personal interaction required!  No responses required!  We're just all posting stuff on a giant big-a$$ bulletin board and that is all that anyone needs to do!

Don't get me wrong, I like Facebook, and I post a lot of stuff there that I specifically do not want to email out to individual friends, or things for which I do not really need or expect a response.  For example, these blog postings.  :-) But you know folks, FB is not a substitute for actually reaching out to people when you have something to say to them directly, or want to know how they are.  When my generation has all gone to letter-writing heaven (or hell, as the case may be), nobody will be left who knows how to reach out to anyone.  And that will be sad.  Glad I won't be here to see it.

Next topics coming soon: the death of cursive handwriting, and WTF can't anybody spell?

Project Schedules II

(c) Scott Adams  http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2000-05-21/

Project Schedules

Non-Personnel Services

A report from the field:  "I started to review the PWS* - it begins with “This is a non-personnel services contract”.  If there are no personnel, who will be performing the services?"

A most excellent question.  Perhaps working dogs are involved?

*Performance Work Statement

Project Management Rant

<rant>

So today the "project manager" of the impossible-deadline project inflicted upon us last week asks us what our major issues were.  Well, pretty much doing all of it, but we were still working out the detailed tech requirements.  So she asks my coworker whether the high-level requirements are understood.  We both say yes they are understood, we're just working on how to implement what the customer wants, and there are issues.  Then the kicker question: will the issues affect the schedule?  The answer that both of us managed NOT to state: DUH! What do you care?  Did you care what the challenges were when you set the schedule?  NO!  You set the schedule without regard to technical difficulties, resources, none of that.  So it is disingenuous to ask now whether the challenges we run into will affect the schedule!  It's not like we have a choice!  By golly we will figure out something but stop asking us dumb questions.  Unless we get more time, which we won't, the conversations are pointless!

It's a good thing these meetings aren't in person, otherwise body language would give my thoughts away totally.
</rant>

Bad Signs

No maintenance, and no spelling skills either.

Making Due

Nothing like stupid typos in big print.  My friend Terri posted this to facebook first and noticed that the newspaper at least managed to correct it in the online version.

Town Hall Meetings

Ah democracy, town hall meetings, vox populi.  Well, most people are stupid, and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near an open microphone at a town hall meeting.  They are so intent on thinking about their "question" (and I use that word loosely) that they don't listen to a damn thing being briefed...and then ask anyway.  We've been having town halls (very good info at briefings, actually) regarding the Monument fire.  People keep standing up and asking, "when can I go home?".  Well - how about when the f**king mountain stops burning?  Or the roads aren't needed for fire trucks?  And you know as soon as these morons get home, they'll be complaining about lack of power and water too.  One guy even stood up and asked which way the wind was going to blow tomorrow.  C'MON PEOPLE!  PULL YOUR HEAD OUT!

Circular References

In the continuing saga of "just how dumb are field engineers"...from an actual account request:

Who are you reporting to?:  LTC Smith

Who reports to you?: LTC Smith

I'm envisioning how the org chart for this would look...just one big-a$$ circular reference...and probably neither reads what the other writes anyway.  So par for the course.

Thoughts on Bad Service and Tipping

What is it with service in this town...or is it problematic everywhere?  Our recent Olive Garden experience was abysmal (slow bordering on ignoring us completely, and full of errors) so we likely aren't returning.  A jerk at Outback Steakhouse awhile ago complained at me for not tipping him when buying a gift card (I still wish I had torn up the credit slip at that point and handed him back the gift card.)   Today we went to the Sierra Vista Diner and after nearly 15 minutes where we were completely ignored - no water, no coffee, no menus, no service period (despite asking three times if someone would help us), our (cycling) group of 9 gave up and left.  (And Diner people, you were dumb.  Not only did you lose a good chunk of business today, but future business as well.) 

Which makes me think, WTF?  We have places providing mediocre food and lousy service, yet the service staff expect 20% tips.  (On the final bill, not pre-tax either.)  You know, I know most of them are paid low wages, but in my book, you get a good tip for providing good service, not just for showing up and barely going through the motions.  You'd think the ones who want more money would actually try.  Or the owners of the flippin' restaurants would get a clue and train people (since ultimately it is their bottom line...a couple of bad servers can drive away a lot of business).  Or better yet, the owners would staff peak times appropriately instead of running one person ragged....but that's another issue.

So for crappy service, here's the deal.  Tipping is on a sliding scale.   I start at industry standard - we'll call that 18% (I'm basing that on what got put on my bill at a very nice restaurant in Hollywood when we were there with a family group earlier this month).  Treat me well, and that's what you get.  Treat me exceptionally well, and the tip goes up to 20%.  If your service sucks, then it starts going down approaching zero.  (But not zero...you'll just think I forgot...it has to be small enough to scream out at you YOU SUCK AND THIS IS ALL YOU'RE GETTING.)  And if you suck that much, then you've guaranteed I will never return, where you work will eventually go out of business when the word gets around that you suck, and you'll be out of a job.  So there.

Would I ever give over 20%?  Yes, under exceptional circumstances.  Like giving me a free drink or something.

There was a positive end to the bad Diner experience at least.  We all went to the Country House instead, where we were served promptly, courteously, and efficiently.  Their food is nothing to write home about, but at least they treat people well.

Additional note to Olive Garden - stop it with the fake italian names for food.  Pastachetti?  Who are you kidding?

Carnita Taco's

Do I have to say it?  CARNITAS, not CARNITA.  And there's no apostrophe in TACOS!  Sigh.  I hope they cook better than they spell/punctuate.

Enterprise Email...what a !#!$#! joke

So I was one of the lucky thousands to be "migrated" to an enterprise email server over the last few days.  What this basically means is that I can't read email where I want to (AKO using an IMAP client), because we were forced to forward all email from AKO to the enterprise server.  The enterprise people refuse to let me forward back the other way so I can still read on AKO, and they won't provide any IMAP capability.  They wouldn't even write up the ticket asking for IMAP capability (I picture the admins in a cave somewhere with their fingers in their ears and humming, so they can't hear the complaints).   What's the bottom line?  I can only read email in my office or on a friggin' government laptop.  THANK YOU SO MUCH you idiot enterprise people for making sure I can't do squat if I happen to be out of the office.   I guess you are all so used to everyone being idiotically unproductive that you can't fathom that anybody like me would actually like to be responsive.

If the acronyms above mean nothing to you, just take this away:  Army Enterprise Suck Unproductive Email Bad Service Morons

To the Cloud!

What is Cloud Computing really to the average end user?  Basically it means you don't know WhereTF the server is, who is running it, how it is being run, or who to call when you have problems.  It's a giant friggin' black hole with all of the critical bits beyond the event horizon.  It may be cool technology for the people who get to run it, but just try getting anyone to help you with anything! 

Why the wrath about the Cloud?  It's not just those annoying Microsoft commercials.  It's the fact that my work email is moving "to the Cloud" in the guise of an "enterprise Exchange server" that is who-knows-where.  And we thought it was bad enough contacting the local admins...ha!  So if I stop answering work email next week, well, you'll know why.

Plumbers Suck

We've been trying to get some (admittedly non-critical) work done at our house coming up on two months now by a particular plumber.  I really shouldn't dump on them directly but can say their initials are STRUSE PLUMBING.  They were great until they got our deposit, since then it has been one excuse after another...bad suppliers, below-zero temperatures where everyone's pipes broke (ok, understandable), losing one of their plumbers to illness (ok we're not completely insensitive...understand that too) but now it's just getting ridiculous.  I never hear from them, despite their promises, until I call to ask WTF.  I've really about had it with them.  So hey, my advice, they are nice enough people, but unless you have an Old Faithful in your kitchen or an exploding septic tank or something equally dire, it's a waste of time calling them.

You hear that Struse?  You suck.

CSP: Requirements

From the Civil Service Phrasebook.  Something that most people don't know how to write.  Normally a requirement would be a clear statement of a need...something that is actually achievable.  But in civil service, requirements (if they exist at all) are grandiose statements so that if by some miracle something wonderful happens, the originator of the so-called requirement can claim to have saved the world from something dire.  For example:

"Implement a center-wide <organization removed> operations database for everything." *

Yeah, let's get right on that one!  There's no ambiguity about what someone wants - they want bloody well everything!  And they want it yesterday!  AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!  Since someone with a brain will have to flesh this out, how about we implement an internet toaster while we're there?  Tied into the Keurig coffee machine?  WOO HOO!

* This was actually someone's suggestion in a Suggestion Box that got printed up in a newsletter.  No kidding.

Stupid Engineers, Part 2

I suppose titling this "Stupid Engineers" is too restrictive.  But the people who call themselves "engineers" where I work continues to be on my mind.  One of the account forms that these folks need to fill out has a few questions on it, and the responses are just laughable.  A few samples:

Q: Who performs the same job as you?
A: Myself

What kind of an answer is that? Do you have two personalities?

Q: Who do you report to?
A: KNOWONE

I guess this person is in charge then, isn't he.  Too bad he can't spell.

I also see a lot of people who don't know the difference between being active duty military and a civilian (govt) employee. You'd think someone would know if they were active duty, wouldn't you?  Civilians don't often get shot at.  At least not on a normal work day.

So should I trust *any* of these people to show up and fix my software or hardware problem?

I don't think so.

Your tax dollars at work, people.

Stupid Engineers

You'd think that title would be a contradiction, wouldn't you?  I'm (hopefully temporarily) doing some account setups for a web application, and some of the people calling themselves engineers are apparently too stupid to fill out the account form halfway decently.  They can't spell their own names, tell you where they work, who they report to, type in their phone numbers correctly, or pretty much provide anything useful.  "Dumber than stumps" is the phrase that comes to mind, and they (laughingly) say that they are engineers?  Engineering what exactly?  Would I want one of these people coming to help me with a problem?  I don't think so.  I have been spoiled I guess by my exceedingly logical spouse (electrical engineer/computer science) and good friend (electrical engineer) who have actual brains and thought processes.  If you can't think I don't think you get to call yourself an engineer - unless you're the kind who runs a toy train.

Dumb Holidays: Valentine's Day

To me most holidays that aren't accompanied by a paid day off from work, or a fine excuse to drink Guinness (e.g. St Patrick's Day) are kind of useless.  And of those useless holidays, (St) Valentine's Day is one of the worst.  While there's some history to the day, it's turned into just another day where retailers try to convince people (usually men) that if you don't buy your significant other over-priced chocolate and flowers, or perhaps a Lexus or diamonds, then you're a worm who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.  (And don't get me started on the exchange of valentines in school classrooms...at least we did back in the 60's...talk about a day that can crumble the self-esteem of a third-grader!)  I have news for you - if your significant other is a jerk 364 days out of the year, one day of chocolate and flowers WILL NOT MAKE UP FOR IT.   So treat each other right all year, and ignore this stupid holiday.  It's a lot cooler to get chocolate or something special when you least expect it, anyway!

Good Apostrophes

There are so few examples of good apostrophe usage out there, when I actually find one I need to say "hurray".  So check it out.  Brothers Ike and Eddie Basha, Sr. opened the first Bashas' grocery store in 1932.  Two brothers and possessive.  I love it.

Menu Misspellings

I probably shouldn't make fun of this one, since the restaurant whose menu I snipped is one that I actually like.  But it seems to me if you're going to serve something Italian, then it would be helpful to spell it correctly, in case any real Italians show up.

Hail, Caesar.  I'll chalk this one up to bad proofreading since it was correct the first time. But still...ouch.

It's Too Late for the BCS Game

Tonight (1/10) is too late for the BCS championship game.  I've already moved on to basketball.  Seriously, I was interested in the game when the match-up was determined SIX WEEKS AGO, but now I have to say, who cares?  I suppose the SEC cares and the sports press trumpeting SEC greatness cares, so for those reasons as well as Pac-10 pride, I'll root for Oregon.  Or more accurately, I'm rooting for the Duck mascot, maybe he can mix it up a little with the Auburn mascot.  But overall, I really don't care about this game.  And I am a college football fan!

CSP: An Action Passed...

From the Civil Service Phrasebook.  "An action passed is an action completed."  Nifty means for some civil servants to give the appearance of being productive (lots of "completed" items on their weekly activity report) when in reality all they do is hand off anything crossing their desks to someone who actually does stuff.  Some have elevated this to such an art form that they are affectionately (by ex-network admins, at least) referred to as Cisco Kids (Cisco routers, get it?).

Too Many Bowl Games

Is it just me...or are there too many bowl games of minimal interest? Why is the Orange Bowl on 3 Jan? And the Sugar tomorrow? And the blasted championship game all the way out on 10 Jan? BOOOOOOO! Give me the good old days when you had Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Cotton all on the 1st. Well, ok, and Fiesta. You could OD on football all day long and then it was over. Too many bowl games means too many mediocre teams. (I'm sorry, but a record of 6-6 does not, in my book, make you bowl eligible.) And enough with the stupid sponsor names too...I'm watching the Discover Orange Bowl and keep trying to turn Discover into a verb.